Three Cycles of Relationships

 “Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”
—Jalaluddin Rumi

 In today’s society we expect instant results. I am surely among that number. One major influence that has fostered this attitude is the experience of purchasing items on line and receiving them at my front door within two days. I do not have to do anything but enter in my credit card number and place my order! Now when I go to a department store I get very impatient when I have to wait in line to pay for my purchases. I’m not alone in my distress. Each person in line is fidgety and grumbling. The same attitude prevails if an appliance breaks. We want it fixed instantly or we just get a new one to replace it.

 Unfortunately this mindset is subconsciously brought into many marriages. If the relationship isn’t working or proving to be very satisfying many young people don’t seem to have the patience to seek help before it deteriorates to the point that it cannot be fixed. Too quickly or too easily they just decide to “throw out” the relationship and seek a “replacement.”

What is not often in the news is the success that so many couples are having living out a long term relationship. Most of our friends have recently celebrated 50 years of marriage.

 In my previous posting I mentioned that love is a decision and not a feeling. This is such a key concept in any valued relationship. When things are not going great it is necessary to pull out the trump card and remember “love is a decision.”

 When we taught a marriage course many years ago at a local Catholic high school the girls were very encouraged to hear that the other key thing is all relationships constantly go in and out of three phases. This was something they were already experiencing in the relationships with their siblings and friends.

 The following are those three phases that are always changing in any relationship:

• Romance
• Disillusionment
• True Joy
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   When we made a Marriage Encounter weekend we were married only five years. One of the talks we had to present covered these three cycles. We enjoyed life to the fullest as a married couple and were still in the romance period. At that time it was difficult to talk about the other two cycles, particularly disillusionment. But when disillusionment hit us it was like running into a brick wall. We just did not expect that it would happen to us. The great thing that came from it was we worked through our first crisis and then enjoyed the true joy of working through our disagreement or disillusionment.
• 
   Many years ago a priest friend told us it is not as important what you give to your children as it is for them to feel the security of seeing how much their parents love one another. It has been our experience by focusing more on romance the stage of disillusionment is shortened. Romance can be fueled by scheduling a date night and planning something you both enjoy doing together. This is an exclusive time without children or friends. To initially rekindle the romance it may help to talk about the memories of your dating period and your early years of marriage.
• 
   Unfortunately romance is the most neglected of the three cycles. When it is most needed, life is usually in its busiest phase. Escalating careers, raising children, and social obligations do seem to take priority and can complicate finding time for one another. Just remember romance is a critically important element of the three stages we continually experience in marriage.
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   Unlike happiness true joy runs much deeper. It is more powerful. It is truly a grace moment of once again being “in the flow” of that one special relationship. It often comes after working through heavy disillusionment or disappointment. It is truly a blissful experience.
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   In a few days there will be a lot of romantic energy around the country as we celebrate Valentine’s Day. This would be a good time to initiate a “monthly date night” on your calendar in an effort to establish a habit of making certain your primary relationship thrives and grows. What a gift for Valentine’s Day!

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